So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
