Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
