she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
