I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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