He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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