The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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