there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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