The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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