the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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