I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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