I wish my penis had an off switch
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
