I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
