With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
