When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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