I think my fart just growled at me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
