Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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