dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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