My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
