I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
