I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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