I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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