well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
