I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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