Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize