Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
