i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
