so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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