I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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