My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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