I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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