Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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