we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
