Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
