Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
