To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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