Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
