Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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