Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
