when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
