I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I party with great urgency now.
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