grandma shit on top of the toilet
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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