took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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