he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
