ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
