i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
