Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
