I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
