When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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