I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
