Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
