Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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