OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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