I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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