Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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