I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
