The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
smell my finger.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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