3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
