You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
pop tarts are not kleenex
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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