Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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